Look for me between the cushions, where it’s safe

I like to fall asleep on the sofa. It seems I always have.

My first memories of sleeping on the sofa are from when I was around 9 or 10. My parents made the unfortunate choice of taking me with them to see The Amytiville Horror in the movie theatres. We lived in this giant, old colonial house at the time … that seemed to me to be not so very unlike the Amytiville Horror house … 

My bedroom was decorated with this crazy, flowery wallpaper.  In the dim light from my nightlight, I could make out hundreds of ghostly faces from the spiraling, yellowy-brown petals on the wall. I would lay awake for what seemed like hours,  unable to fall sleep. After enough time had passed, and I was sure they were asleep, I would creep into my parents room. I would lay down on their small, orange sofa that they kept there because it was too ugly to keep anywhere else.

And finally, I would fall asleep. 

In my early 20’s I started having panic attacks regularly. For a full year, I lived in a state of constant worry and unease – without ever really knowing what I was so fucking worried or uneasy about. I was barely old enough to drink legally, but I thought I must surely be dying. At night, I would lay awake in my room and listen to my heart pound in my ears. I could feel the beat in my temples, in my neck, in my whole body. The more I noticed the beat,  the faster and louder it became. My chest would tighten until it seemed there was no air left to breath, and I was smothering. I felt like screaming, I felt frozen in place.

Finally, I would get up …  just to prove that I still could.  I would go to the sofa and lay there, flipping on the television, flippin on the lights. As if that somehow mattered.

And finally, I would fall asleep. 

Every night now, I still fall asleep on my sofa. I don’t know why. It just seems like the natural thing to do. With all the lights still on. As if that somehow matters. But now Jon is there, every night, to wake me. He peels me off the sofa and we go off to bed, where I sleep every night …

feeling very safe and loved.

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